


Rubbed Pink

by AbelQuartz



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Growing Pains, LGBTQ Character of Color, Massage, Slice of Life, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Future Spoilers, Talking, Trauma, Triggers, Underwear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbelQuartz/pseuds/AbelQuartz
Summary: Steven’s stressors have been taking a toll on him. Greg’s been around the block a few times, but there’s something new — a professional acquaintance — he wants to introduce to his son. Maybe massage therapy can make things better. Maybe it’ll just rub Steven the wrong way.
Relationships: Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Original Character(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 107





	Rubbed Pink

“Actually, it was when I first got the money from Marty. Remember?”

Steven watched the town go by outside the window. Greg glanced into the passenger seat, then back to the road. 

“It seemed like something rich folks do,” Greg continued, “but as it turns out, I got a lot of knots in me from all the years standing up working. I really think you’ll have a good time, Steven! At the very least you’ll get some time out of the house.”

“I was doing fine in the house,” Steven mumbled. 

Greg chose not to respond. The van trundled along as Beach City rolled past them. It was a beautiful afternoon, too hot for spring but not so hot that it couldn’t be enjoyed. The cool ocean rolled for miles away from them. Perfect blue reflected a perfect partly cloudy sky. It was a day for relaxation. Steven didn’t have his hopes up.

It was the first massage Steven had had in his life. When they went up to Empire City, they had considered making some part of it a spa day, but they hadn’t wanted to leave Pearl out considering she had no muscles. The teenager had accepted the suggestion from his father when the two of them were having breakfast, when they were in good spirits. Later, however, Steven had gone online to check out the therapist:  _ Matt S. Bodyworks _ . He was old enough to seem like a responsible adult but young enough to still have youthful vigor. In every picture it seemed like he was built like a bull, with an intimidating curly mohawk, perfect brown skin bulging with toned muscles, and a full beard. There had been a TubeTube channel for checking out his work; Steven couldn’t stand to click the link.

Surely there had to be other therapists in the tristate area, but Greg had been to this man, and so, they were headed down the road. Steven heaved a sigh at the prospect. He didn’t know why he wanted to get out of the van so badly, but he did. His body was stuck in a limbo. Greg looked over again and sighed softly in return.

“We can call and reschedule if you want, buddy,” the man said softly. “It doesn’t have to be today. I’m a regular, he’ll understand if you’re nervous.”

“I’m not nervous!”

“Steven —”

“Maybe I just think it’s weird that someone’s touching me!” Steven said. “Maybe, I don’t know, I’m just a little uncomfortable having my naked body rubbed all over by someone I hardly know! Gee, maybe that’s a weird thing in general to do, dad, have you ever thought about…”

He was shouting. He could tell by the way that his father was gripping the wheel. It wasn’t in fear, it wasn’t in anger, but Greg had a look on his face that showed he wanted so badly to say a calming word to his son when he knew there was nothing that could help. Steven froze in realization and folded his hands in his lap.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Look, if you want, I can take the sesh and you can just relax in the van and listen to music. I’m sorry, kiddo, I didn’t know that this would be… I just wanted to try and find something that would be good for you, just to start.”

What did that mean? Steven wasn’t stupid. He knew what was going on. The time away from the house, the beginning of reconnection, it was all just to try and make him feel better to begin with. Dr. Maheswaran was going to be setting up another time to talk with Steven about other options for treatment for the head. He had been too afraid to look up what that meant. There had been nights where he had woken up pink with dreams about other doctors poking inside of his brain, cutting open his skull with bandsaws until he screamed. Steven knew what therapy and counseling were on a surface level. For right now, he didn’t think anyone could understand him.

But nobody needed to understand his thoughts and feelings to give him a massage. When he was a little kid, Steven remembered thunderstorms where Greg would rub slow circles on his back to get him to sleep. The memories were muddled, but the skin on Steven’s back tingled at the thought. There had been something good there. Maybe there would be something good here.

“Dad? I want to give it a try. Just to see what it’s like.”

“Are you —” Greg said before he stopped himself. “...okay. Okay! Great, Steven. You’ll love Matt, I’m sure.”

“Y-yeah. We’ll see.”

Getting undressed even with Dr. Maheswaran stepping out of the room for a moment had been a trial. Steven hated having to strip down even to shower. Looking at himself in the mirror meant eye contact, or worse, body contact. It was strange to think that he had super-strength even when he looked like how he did. There was no reason for him not to have muscles like Matt or Steg or Stefan. When did he start hating how he looked? Maybe if he looked better, Connie would have said yes.

Instantly, Steven turned pink in the passenger seat. He gripped his seatbelt and felt his breath quicken. The haze of the sun got closer until his entire field of view was hazy. He could feel the warmth of his body like it was boiling. The heat from the day was too much. The seat he was in was too small. It felt like he was growing and shrinking at the same time, like his heart was about to pound out of his chest and burst in a bloody mess all over the inside of the van.

Greg said something under his breath and pulled the van over as quickly as he could. On the shoulder, he shut the vehicle off and reached over to his child. Steven felt the hand grip his own, fumbling sweat and skin together until the thumbs were locked. He could feel Greg’s hand squeezing him in small beats. The man was saying something, but Steven couldn’t tell what it was until moments later, when the blood in his ears stopped pounding and the glow subsided.

“...here, I’m right here, we’re in a safe place, the van’s stopped. You’re going to be okay, Steven, you’re going to be okay.”

“D-dad, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean to…”

Steven held his father’s hand for a long moment. The sound of other cars passing them whirred through the air. In the swaths of silence, Steven swallowed and tried to force himself back down to where he should be. There was no danger. He had to keep telling himself that. There was no danger, just a thought. Everything was going to pass. He was with a man that he trusted, in a space he knew well, and everything was going to be fine. Still, it took a minute until he was back down to his normal levels. All the while, Greg was murmuring to him from the driver’s side, squeezing Steven’s palm and rubbing his thumb over the teenager’s own.

“I’m sorry,” Steven whimpered again.

“Shh, Steven, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”

His heart settled in his chest. Steven let go of Greg’s grasp and brought both his hands to his face. It was too much, from time to time, just a little too much. Dr. Maheswaran’s explanation could only do so much. The errant thoughts were so strong that it felt like he couldn’t do anything about them when they came. And he hated the feeling so much. Now, there was no more lying about what his body was going through. Everyone but the Gems knew.

The Gems. Steven knew he had to talk to them eventually. He didn’t want to think about that right now. He didn’t want to think about all the things they would say. Steven covered his ears for a split second, then released them, filling the air with ringing. The little motions helped to distract him. 

“It’s just up the road, kiddo. We only have a few minutes to go.”

Steven nodded, and Greg started the van up again. Steven wasn’t so stupid as to not notice how tired Greg had been. He had taken time off working at the car wash to stay at the house, sleeping on the couch for the past couple of days. Ever since his hospital visit, Steven had felt better about his father. He wasn’t ready to talk about everything, but most of what he needed to talk about Greg already knew. Steven sensed the enormous weight on the man’s shoulders. But he gave Steven the space when he needed it and the closeness whenever the boy called out. Without the Gems, Steven wasn’t afraid to yell for his father when he turned pink. It had happened in the middle of the day, it happened at night, it was random and terrifying and he couldn’t control it at all — but nobody could.

The fact that this was all happening so suddenly was something he didn’t understand yet. He would have to talk to Dr. Maheswaran about what he needed to expect and what he could do to prepare. Living like this, living without knowing what was going to trip up his thoughts and feelings, was so hard. It had always been hard, but now he was just aware of it. Little trips like this could only do so much.

Steven turned on the radio for the last few minutes of the car ride. They began to pull away from the coast and head into the slightly more populated areas of the nearby towns. Gas stations and small convenience stores began to pop up more and more. Sea-blown bushes turned into hedges and hydrangeas. The trees began to grow bigger and leafier without the years of salt and ocean pushing them down. Gentle guitar flowed over the radio as they drove on in silence. Steven forced his breaths down, bit by bit, until he felt like he was at his baseline again. He was grumpy, tired, and nervous, but he was normal.

Greg turned left at a stop sign and put his blinker on. The house was fairly isolated in this little neighborhood, a distance from the rest of civilization. As soon as they pulled into the driveway and the van was shut off, Steven heard the sound of birds singing to each other in the trees. They were probably just sparrows, but the noise was loud enough to even be heard without opening the door.

He hadn’t expected the house to be, well, just someone’s home. Matt had probably furnished it for customers and guests, living in another part and working where he could. Steven remembered when he opened up a miniature restaurant at the beach house. That was a stressfully fun evening despite the conflicts. When was the last time he made a real meal? Steven didn’t want to think about that right now.

“C’mon, Steven, I’ll walk you up.”

The Universes came up to the front door. As soon as they opened the screen to knock, the wood swung open in response and Matt stepped out with a smile.

The man wasn’t any taller than Greg, and was actually almost as broad. Steven hadn’t been expecting that. Matt wore a pressed blue polo shirt over a pair of loose black shorts, a mixture of business-casual and the bodywork he advertised. His arms and legs seemed even thicker in person. The well-trimmed beard was as dark and curly as that signature mohawk strip. On his nose he wore a pair of small frameless glasses, which Steven hadn’t seen in any of his pictures. It made him seem more human. 

“Mr. Universe!” Matt said, raising a hand. “Always a pleasure. And you must be Steven.”

Greg and Matt performed a small hand-slapping wrist-sliding greeting — when did that happen? — before Matt turned to shake Steven’s hand as well. His grip was surprisingly soft as Steven grasped it, but firm enough to hold up Steven’s end of the bargain. The boy knew he wasn’t giving it his all. 

“Come on in, guys. You’re all set up.”

“Wait, really? There’s no paperwork or anything?” Steven said.

“I filled that out and signed off for you, since you’re still technically a minor,” Greg said. “Besides, I didn’t want you to feel stressed out before your massage.”

“Oh… Thanks, dad.”

Inside, the mudroom was connected directly with the kitchen, which was small and tidy, completely clear of any dirty dishes in the sink. Even the refrigerator was minimally adorned with a few travel magnets. The connected room must have been a dining room at one point, but Matt had fashioned it into a kind of waiting room with a coffee table, chairs, magazines and brochures. A small ornate fountain sat in between the cushiony chairs on one side, surrounded by various scented oil samples. The rest of the house, which seemed to be a single floor with maybe a basement, was separated on the right hallway by a beaded curtain. 

On the other side of the waiting room was a sliding door leading into what seemed to be the place where people got their massages. It looked like an addition, built into the backyard with new materials. Through the open door Steven could see the bed and the large open room, with a stack of various bottles on a corner shelf. A small artificial fireplace burned in the corner. The windows in that room appeared to be covered with a translucent shade to filter the natural light.

“You’re all paid for and I hope this is gonna be a good session for you, Steven!” Matt said. “We can get started whenever you’re ready.”

“Wait, like right now?”

“Sure, anytime you wanna.”

“Steven, I’m going to be right here in the waiting room,” Greg said, putting a hand on his child’s shoulder. “I’m just on the other side. You’re in good hands. I promise.”

The teenager felt himself balking even now. New experiences never used to do this to him. He wished he could feel a sense of adventure again, wished he was able to explore new things. It felt like every new experience was some kind of danger, no matter how good or bad it was going to be.

Steven suddenly took a deep breath. That was an effect of that Gem cortisol, whatever it was, something connected to trauma. He knew this, objectively. There was no real danger in coming to get a massage. Obviously there wasn’t, and he trusted his father’s choices, and he knew that Matt was doing his best to be nonthreatening. It wasn’t so much a revelation as it was an acceptance, but Steven took what he could get. He had to start getting control of his brain somehow. His body still felt clammy and gross, despite a morning shower, and he still felt nervousness, despite what he knew he was getting into. But it was just a little bit better. If he hadn’t known, what would this meeting be like? Greg would probably have been paying for broken walls and a wreckage of Matt’s studio.

The child’s father seemed to sense his internal turmoil, and squeezed Steven’s shoulder gently. The touch sent a ripple down Steven’s body, and he let out the breath he had been holding.

“Your dad mentioned you’d been having some stress lately,” Matt said, his voice lowering to match Greg’s softness. “I’m no miracle worker, but I know it takes a toll on the muscles. My job is to try and help you de-stress in ways you can’t do yourself. We’re not going to do any deep tissue work or intense pressure — just a half-hour so you can get a feel for what I do and if it’s right for you. Does that sound okay, Steven?”

“Yeah,” the boy murmured, “yeah, I can do that.”

“Come on back.”

Steven stepped into the room. Light piano music was already playing. There was a chair by the shelf where Steven assumed his clothes were going to go. The room was larger than he had anticipated. It made sense when he considered that Matt had to walk all the way around the table to do his job. Warmth filled the room in both light and temperature. Even before the door was closed the space was glowing in a beautiful orange. On the table, the sheet was drawn halfway, ready for someone to slide under. A small digital clock displayed the time.

“Now, I’m gonna step out for a second so you can undress to your level of comfort,” Matt said.

“Has anyone kept their clothes all the way on?”

“They...have, but it makes it so there’s a lot less I can do. My job’s to get into the muscles and work ‘em. There’s a lot more friction and a lot less benefit without skin-to-skin contact.”

“I understand, just, just asking.”

“Steven, is that something that makes you uncomfortable?”

He looked briefly at Matt’s body and stuffed his hands in his pockets. His forearms rubbed gently against the sides of his gut. 

“No,” Steven mumbled.

“Keep your underwear on, okay? I don’t have clients completely strip here. Even with your dad hanging out, you’re still sixteen,” Matt said.

“Yeah, that would be weird.”

It actually made him feel a little bit better. Steven wasn’t planning to get completely naked anyway, and he was relieved that there was no expectation. As Matt stepped out, the man gave Steven a thumbs-up.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he repeated, “get on the table on your back with the sheet pulled up. We’ll start with the head and neck and we can work our way around.”

The door slid shut. Steven walked over to the chair in the dim light. He could see the crack in the sliding door where the light from the waiting room shone through. Matt and Greg were chatting in undertones, laughing about something from the other side. Were they laughing at him? No, Greg wouldn’t do that to his son, even in private. Steven had to trust that. The boy slid his sandals off and slipped them underneath the chair. It was an easy strip, unzipping his jeans and folding them neatly onto the cushion before his t-shirt followed.

All the new underwear he had ordered was the same white style, but he had made the shift from plain briefs to boxer-briefs as he had grown. Maybe it was some guise of maturity, maybe he had just wanted to try something new. Steven didn’t remember anything beyond the fact that he had to buy adult sizes now and couldn’t get the cheap packs anymore. At least these were consistent, supportive, and plain. He didn’t ask for much out of his underwear.

Steven stood with his bare feet on the carpet. The softness felt good underneath his toes, even if he felt exposed. This was different than the hospital, more calming. He didn’t want to disparage Dr. Maheswaran’s work, but stripping down in the exam room had been stressful in itself, considering how long it had been since he had gotten undressed in front of anyone ever. Maybe people who went to the doctor were more used to it. Or people who went swimming. Or people who went to the gym.

When he slipped under the cover, pulling it up to his waistline, Steven looked down at his belly. The gemstone wiggled in the middle on top of his stomach. All the ice cream he had been eating was apparently getting to him. He felt the gentle tension of the elastic waistband pressing into his hips. The boy stared up at the ceiling and sighed. A shower and deodorant were all he had protecting him from Matt’s judgement. At least Gem healing meant that he didn’t get much, if any, acne.

There was a small knock on the door before Matt opened it back up. The man hummed to himself as he strode around the table and picked up his little belt. It was just a strap with a clip and a bottle of what Steven presumed to be lotion attached to it, easy to get together. Matt stood over Steven and clicked a pedal with his foot. The pneumatic table raised up, making Steven twitch with the sudden movement.

“Nice and relaxed,” Matt coaxed. “Your dad said to remind you —”

“He’s right out there.” Steven let out a huge breath. “I know.”

“Good, good good.”

The therapist moved behind Steven’s head and pumped some oil into his right hand. Steven felt the left slide underneath his hair and lift up part of his neck. The right hand slid underneath, and Steven almost shivered at the feeling of moisture on his upper back. Matt paused. Steven opened up one eye.

“Okay, Steven, I need you to relax.”

“I-I am relaxed?”

“Let’s...try something else. Okay. I want you to close your eyes.”

Steven did as he was told. Matt’s hands felt large underneath him, strong and specific. The fingertips pressed up into his muscles before the flat of his hand rubbed the oil around. He cradled Steven’s head in his forearms as he shifted his hands slowly back and forth.

“I want you to take deep breaths, and imagine your body is made of ice,” Matt said. “Then, bit by bit, I want you to imagine that my hands are melting the ice. And that I’m warming you up, and your muscles are turning into an ocean. Okay?”

Steven took a huge breath in and out and kept his eyes closed. The soft-spoken masseuse was doing his best to keep the boy in a steady place. That was all he could ask for. Steven hadn’t had someone else touch him in quite some time. In the hospital, when he was swollen and hurting, his father’s hug on his massive fingertip had helped shrink him immediately. Before that, he had hugged Connie on the beach, and leaned against Garnet, and those touches should have been good but they weren’t. Garnet was as foreign to him as she had been when he was a child. And Connie —

He couldn’t think about that right now. He didn’t want to think about her. Steven squeezed his eyes shut. Matt kept his grip firm on Steven’s back and held him tightly. 

The boy knew he was pink again. He could feel himself getting heavier, quivering, the masses of his arms and legs starting to feel like they were made of lead. He knew he was trapping Matt’s arms underneath him. The man grunted as he tried to move. Steven wanted so desperately to let him up but he couldn’t do a thing.

“Steven —hrf! — this is a place I want you to feel good,” Matt said with a wince. “I need for you to tell me what’s going on. But you need to relax! Feel my hands. I’ve got you. I have you. This is a safe —  _ space. _ ”

“I don’t know how!” Steven whispered. “It’s all so sudden!”

“What’s — weighing you down?”

It was that word:  _ trauma. _ It was the feeling that there was some disease inside of him that wasn’t foreign, that wasn’t part of some involuntary reaction. Trauma had changed the way he moved, the way he spoke and interacted with people. It changed his relationships. There was no cure or concoction he could take to wash it out. Steven’s brain had taken in the trauma and fused with it in a way that could never be undone. It was a new definition for who he was, and Steven hated it. He hated every second that he was out of control. He hated the diagnosis, and he hated how antithetical it was to choice. All the love that had come from Rose Quartz had come because she wanted him to make his own choices. Now, all the choices Steven made came up because his brain was reacting in a way that made him feel scared, embarrassed, and alone.

The table creaked. Steven let the tears roll down and get caught in his hair. Matt huffed and stopped trying to move his arms. Steven opened his eyes to the light of the room, and looked up at the man, and he had to stifle a sob. Matt was obviously in physical pain, but he had the same expression as Greg in the van. It was the face of someone who wanted so desperately to help and who didn’t know how.

He wanted to help. That’s what he was there for. Steven had to let that sink into him. Matt was only here to make things better. The boy closed his eyes and coughed down his tears. Second by second, he forced the buzzing in his body to quiet down. He had to feel the warmth of Matt’s hands. The man’s shaking fingers steadied as Steven breathed. Through his eyelids, Steven’s heart began to calm once more as he saw the pinkness dissipating. It wasn’t rapid, but diminutive, slowly and steadily shrinking as he got control of his body’s weight back.

“I proposed to a girl and she said no,” he sniffled.

“Snap. You two dating for a while?”

“We’re best friends. I guess…we were always kind of dating. And we never were at the same time. I guess not officially.”

“You know you’re awfully young to get married, Steven.”

Matt had a soft voice, a deep voice. His fingers pulled as he spoke, bringing his arms lower and lower along Steven’s spine. Steven took one massive breath as Matt lifted his arms. His whole torso was in the man’s grasp. 

“Hey, I’m gonna need you to actually relax now,” Matt said. “Just your body. Let me hold you up, okay?”

What else could he do? Steven let the fat do the work. He let his lungs deflate as his arms flopped by his side. There were only a couple inches in between himself and the table, but the pressure of the hands was monumental. Eight points dug into Steven’s aching muscles and set them ablaze. The pressure pumped blood all the way from his liver to his brain, and he felt like he was having a full-body sunburn from the inside. Energy traveled all the way through his back, sliding from the middle of his body up to his shoulders, before Matt finally brought his fingers up back to Steven’s neck.

The burn lingered. He had never felt relief or pain this intense before. Matt chuckled as Steven’s eyes popped open. Giving himself over had showed how much muscle tension he had inside. The pain was still there, but Steven felt good about it. It was such a strange feeling. The two made eye contact, and smiled.

“I don’t feel young, but I don’t feel old, either,” Steven said hoarsely. “I don’t really know how I feel right now.”

“Well, even if your head ain’t in a good place, it could be because your body’s working against you. That’s why I’m here, Steven.”

“Why does my back feel all...like that?”

“Was that good? I saw your face as I moved my hands. Man, it was something else.”

“It was great! I think. I think that’s how it was supposed to go. But it’s intense, and pretty deep inside me. I feel like a tube of toothpaste that’s getting squeezed out.”

Matt laughed softly, keeping one hand on Steven’s neck as the other reached back to squirt some more oil into his hand. 

“When you’re on your belly, we can work some of those out. Let’s get your body all the way warmed up first before we have to get into the deep work.”

Steven grunted as the man ran his hands underneath and used Steven’s body weight against him. It took a surprising amount of effort to not clench up and tense himself in the therapist’s hands. His body constantly wanted to fight, but the more he forced himself to relax, the deeper the fingers went. It felt like there were grooves being dug into his back, like he was getting layers of sediment or plaque stripped away. Of course it made sense that he had so much muscle tension. He had seen the x-rays, and he had lived through the tensest moments that any human had to face on the planet. The miracle of his existence was not without consequence.

And he could tell that Matt was making an effort to be gentle. The way the man moved was methodical, feeling out the places where he needed to touch Steven, the places where he needed to flatten that tension out. It was a rough process, but he was doing his best to be kind.

“Why does a boy like you want to get married?” Matt said, moving his hands to gently cradle Steven’s neck. “It’s a big ask. I assume this friend, she’s your age?”

“A little younger. But not much.”

“So she’s in school. Your dad talks about you a lot, so I already know your story.”

Steven cringed, but Matt merely rubbed the back of the boy’s head. Tingles ran down Steven’s spine, and he couldn’t resist relaxing again.

“Don’t worry, I understand,” Matt said. “As much as I can, anyway. Why do you think I didn’t freak when you turned pink on me? Or when you showed up with a rock in your belly.”

“Ha, that’s...true.”

Of course Greg had talked about him. It seemed like Greg was making friends with humans through spending money. But that wasn’t a fair thought. Steven thought, of course, everyone should be nice to his dad. And he knew very little about Greg’s past or present, from what little he had been told. Being a manager was on hiatus for a little while, and while Steven still felt immeasurably guilty about it, he couldn’t overstate his gratitude that Greg was here to calm him down. It took so much willpower to forgive himself. He wasn’t a burden. His father loved him.

Matt took his hands and began to work over Steven’s chest in slow circles, knuckles pressing into the boy’s pectoral muscles and working in the oil from the other side. Steven felt a redness come into his cheeks. The man slowed down again.

“Talk to me.”

“W-what about?”

“Steven, I can feel you tensing up when I touch you. You’re a pretty easy read. Just relax, talk to me. I’ve got an open ear and I’m here to make you comfortable.”

“Yeah, I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

He had opened up to his father about Connie, but not about his body. Steven, to be blunt with himself, felt short and fat and had taken a long look in the mirror once he got home. The jacket that had looked so dapper on him now felt wide as it sat on the coat rack. The width of his jeans felt too much, their perfect fit merely a reflection of the wide and ugly hips. Getting that musculature would be so difficult, though. Gem magic didn’t work that way.

“She wasn’t ready,” Steven said. “Maybe I’m not either.”

“I remember when I was your age. Thought I was on top of the world, that I could be ready for anything. It takes a long time to realize just how long life is, man.”

“It just feels like we’ve been through so much already. Space. Gems. Sword fighting.”

“You know your body’s not done growing, right? You’re not going to stop growing for another five or six years, and your brain’s not going to stop until you’re, whoof, twenty-five?”

“Wait, seriously? I thought… I guess I thought the brain never stopped growing.”

“People never stop learning. Chemically, though, our bodies are weird things.”

The arms came down to Steven’s stomach, carefully swirling to avoid the boy’s Gem. Matt moved to the side of the table to carefully palpate his client, all while Steven was trying not to be embarrassed. He had anticipated this. The last time anyone had touched his stomach, White Diamond was tearing out his Gem.

Pink started to flood his face again. Steven’s heart started to beat in his chest, and the boy sat up instantly, gripping Matt’s wrist. The man pulled back his hands and opened them, allowing Steven to pant and grasp freely. He calmly rested his free palm on top of Steven’s knuckles. The boy felt clammy, dizzy, and too sweaty. 

But he felt the hand soothing him. He laid back down an inch at a time, agonizingly slow, until he knew the glow was disappearing from his face and they were both safe again. The last thing he wanted was for Matt’s room to get wrecked accidentally. Feeling unsafe was his norm, but he had to keep his mind on the fact that this was a safe place. Steven closed his eyes and let go of Matt, pulling at the drapery covering his lower body.

“I...don’t think I’m ready to have my Gem touched,” he said.

“We’ll stay far away from that. Is it discomfort or a trigger?”

“...trigger.”

Even though he had only seen the word used online from time to time, Steven understood what the word meant. And he had felt it, too, when he looked at the glowing bracelet in the freezer, when he used to think about his mother, when there was the sound of loud construction work surrounding him. There were small ones, minor discomforts he didn’t like, but there were few terrible memories he had like getting his Gem removed. Matt knew enough to respect it. Steven wondered how much he and Greg had talked about Steven’s past, and how much Matt actually knew. Greg didn’t know about White Diamond.

There was only so much that Steven felt he could tell his father, and he didn’t know why. But eventually, everything had to come out. Out of all the people in his life, Greg had been around the longest, before the Gems, before Connie, before anyone. Steven was Steven, and he shared half of Greg’s genetics. He was his dad’s kid. Greg had never made him feel like he was anything but himself. Steven felt himself smiling despite all the loose knocking in his brain when he thought about his dad. It felt good to have someone who saw him for who he was, and who knew that he would keep growing.

“Do you have any other concerns, man?” Matt said. “Before I work on your legs and flip you over.”

Steven folded his hands on top of his stomach. He knew he shouldn’t keep the man waiting. All the hesitation was making him feel uncomfortable with himself.

“I’m not feeling great about my body right now,” he blurted out. “Because I’ve been sitting at home and eating a lot.”

“My dude, I know exactly how you feel.”

Matt pulled up the sheet and tucked it around Steven’s upper thighs. The sudden air on his legs almost made him shiver, but the now-familiar sound of the oil bottle being pumped made his lower body twitch with the coming warmth. The man stood at the foot of the table and ran both hands up and down Steven’s legs, warming and lotioning the skin in preparation. The squeeze was unlike anything that he had ever felt before, and just like it had been on his back, the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

“When my boyfriend and I… When we had a rocky time, I canceled all my appointments for a week. I just stayed at home and binged and cried and I felt like the world was falling apart.”

“How’d you come out of it? Are you okay now?”

Matt lifted Steven’s leg and stretched it upwards, bending it at the knee. He pushed gently on the back of the boy’s thigh until Steven winced, then ran his hands slowly but firmly up and down Steven’s leg. 

“I went to real talk therapy for the first time in my life,” Matt said. “And I told her how alone I felt, and how I had nobody to lean on. And she said, well, sometimes you just need someone to talk to. I had the strength to push through, but I just needed a little bit of help. There were a lot of issues with my family that I still go to her about.”

“Do you have family to talk to, like your parents?”

Matt laughed as he worked on the leg. The stretch was enormously different from any of the times that Steven had exercised and stretched on his own. The yoga classes he used to take with Garnet had helped his flexibility a little, but he didn’t go to those anymore. He hadn’t truly exercised in months. Feeling the aching tendons inside of him crackle like dry cereal was a different sensation when someone else was doing it. Having someone to help turned everything on its head.

“My parents and I haven’t spoken in years. They kicked me out of the house when they found out I was in a relationship with another man.”

“Oh jeez, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it. I’ve been independent and I love it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a support system. Those are important. Improving yourself, loving yourself, all very important. Loving your body, too!”

“I don’t...really love my body right now. There’s so much that I wish was different about it.”

“It’ll take time before you’re back on track. But this is the only body you have, Steven. And it’s up to you to love the skin you’re in. It’s part of the wonderful puzzle that is you.”

He was probably right. Steven laid there and let Matt work on his legs. It was easy for someone who didn’t shapeshift. But Steven had to keep in mind that he was half-human, and that meant that everything he did affected his humanity, and all of the human things he did affected his Gem half, too. It was a complicated balance.

Human beings really only had one body, and Steven had to accept the fact that he only had the one as well. Truisms could only go so far, but Matt didn’t seem to care that Steven hated himself right now. That wasn’t true. He didn’t hate himself; he was having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that everything was connected and affected. Cause and effect. The words bounced around Steven’s head until it floated in a soggy pile to the back of his skull. There were positive effects and negative effects. Hating himself would only come up with a negative effect.

But it was so easy to do. Being lazy in his criticisms of himself was a trap that led to self-pity, that led to self-loathing, and Steven had been down that path before. It was wild, he thought as Matt switched legs, that he could just sit here and think about how he thought about things. He knew that he should know better than to hate himself. It didn’t matter what his body looked like as long as he loved and was loved in return. Greg had never commented on his body, and neither had the Gems, and Connie had always loved his hugs. What did hugs have to do with anything? Steven was having a hard time focusing.

“Okay, bud, I’m gonna have you flip on over.”

Matt had already rested Steven’s leg down again and he hadn’t even noticed. The boy blinked as his therapist adjusted the sheet above Steven, pulling it back down smoothly again.

“Wow, I…” Steven murmured, laughing under his breath. “I lost track of time.”

“Good! That means I’m doing my job!”

The two chuckled together as Steven pulled himself to the side and rolled onto his belly. His legs felt like they were filled with the contents of a lava lamp. For the first time, Steven felt like he was glowing without actually glowing. He shuffled up slightly as Matt finished putting the sheet down and reached under the bed to add the head attachment for Steven’s face. Once it was in place, Steven let the hole encompass him. It felt like it was stretching his cheeks out. 

“All comfy?” Matt said. “We’re going to do some leg stretches, then I’ll go back to the back.”

Steven raised his hand one more time to give a thumbs-up. Matt rubbed his hands together with the sticky sound of lotion before getting to work.

The teen took a moment to reflect on what he had known about massage, and what was happening with his body now. Matt was handling him carefully, as he should, as if Steven’s body was just as precious as his own. Every therapist would have done the same, Steven was sure, but feeling it was a new sensation. 

Matt tucked the sheets up in between Steven’s thighs. The legs were already oiled, so the stretch could be done without any more prep work. The therapist actually knelt on the table with one leg as he stretched Steven’s right hip up and back. The boy felt his spine twist a little as Matt manipulated him. Invisible cords stretched from the side of his abdomen through his pelvis and down into his thigh muscles, and the tension made Steven groan aloud. Truly, one of the strangest human sensations he could feel was exercise without touching himself. The stretch through his legs was just what he needed. Matt held firmly onto Steven’s leg and rotated the femur in its socket, as if he was polishing the bones inside. 

As soon as the leg was placed down again, Steven felt that strange, tingling relief. It had been too long since he had really stretched himself. He tried to think back to the times where he had taken the initiative to go to yoga and improve himself. Try as he might, though, he couldn’t recall what it felt like. The body he had was the body he felt. Matt worked on Steven’s left leg, and the stretches only distracted him so much from the lack of memory.

Remembering things was more difficult these days, but Steven had the core memories, the important parts, rewound in his head over and over again. The good times were easy to conjure but hard to keep hold of. Just like in the office, the bad memories were attached to him and stuck like muscle pain. Was there a kind of exercise to train the brain? Probably, but Steven had no idea what he needed to do. This was, he realized, the pivotal moment. If he didn’t find a way to exercise his mind, he’d continue to feel like poop. But what if it just went away by itself? Or what if there was nothing to do? The fact remained that all the things from the past were immutable and saturated with consequences. There was nothing he could do to change the past or to change his memory. He couldn’t shed them or shred them without denying reality.

The sudden and intense pressure on his back made his eyes pop open. Matt was standing at the head of the table with his body leaned over and his palms digging into the boy’s muscle. A sudden fire seemed to run through the room. Steven grunted as he was steamrolled, and he felt the digging from his shoulders to his gemstone. Several loud pops filled the room, one right after another, as Matt rolled his hands down Steven’s back. He was forced to exhale, and the man let out a low whistle.

“Honey, you need to check chiro,” Matt murmured. “That was a five outta ten for deep tissue, and you’re popping fierce. Do you crack your back or your knuckles?”

“Hr _ rrrng _ … Not really.”

“Good. Don’t. It’s bad for you. Or at least, it ain’t professional. I’m no chiropractor myself but I know enough about the body to warn you.”

Steven could barely speak as Matt worked on his back. It felt like every breath he took had to be musically measured so as not to interfere with the man’s fingers. Still, Matt worked cautiously, and even though he was on fire Steven could tell that he wasn’t going as hard as he could. It wasn’t until he was here on the table that Steven realized how tense he was and how much he needed this release. All the cords of muscle in his body felt like old-school telephone tails, curled up and now flattened by the breadth of those two hands.

Fingertips dug into the softness of Steven’s shoulders, working their way in slow circles down to the child’s spine. The man’s knuckles interwove and pressed in like kind into the crevices where Steven could never have hoped to reach himself. Matt made it clear that there were certain things that Steven just couldn’t do on his own, and this was one of them. Steven felt a strange kind of sad gratitude as he laid there, breathing steadily, hoping he was relaxing in the proper way.

As the touches became lighter and the warmth began to equalize into a golden flow, Steven wondered how he could take care of these things at home. Maybe he could exchange little massages with his dad, work in something to the man’s aching back when they were at home together. He imagined Connie lying down on a table, with his hands touching her skin, her face turned to the side and smiling —

“Alright, Steven, we’re all set!”

Matt lifted his hands and Steven opened his eyes. The boy blinked, resisting the urge to reach under the headrest and rub his bleary eyes. It hadn’t felt like a half-hour at all, but he pushed himself upright and looked at the clock and, indeed, forty minutes had actually gone by. Steven had to accept the fact that he had never been that good at keeping track of time.

Sitting up, Steven stretched his arms over his head, then shook them out softly. Everything felt just a little bit better. The massage had drawn attention to the tension in his various muscle groups, but the rub had been a good start for it. Steven let his legs dangle as his head started to clear up. What an odd feeling, for things to improve.

“Get yourself all dressed, and I’ll meet you out here with your dad,” Matt said. “Don’t worry about the lotion. You can keep it on, or shower it off when you get home — it’s good for your skin but not necessary. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

The sliding door opened and closed behind him as Matt left. Steven sat there in the dark room for a few seconds, blinking as he adjusted to the light. His body still tingled. The warmth was still there.

Dressing took him longer than he had anticipated, but there wasn’t much to put on. The oil had been worked into his skin well enough that the feeling of clothes on top of him wasn’t as weird as he had expected. Next time, maybe they could work on his arms and feet, just for the full-body experience. The fact that his brain asked him when the next time would be made Steven smile as he zipped up his pants. The smile felt strange on his face, but he wasn’t about to complain. He kept it up as he slid on his shoes and opened up the door to the brightness of the waiting room. Matt and Greg were both standing in anticipation.

Steven looked from one to the other before giving two thumbs-up. Greg’s relief was almost palpable, and Matt could only laugh as he clapped his hands once. Steven let a giggle come up as he put his hands in his pockets, swaying awkwardly in the aftermath. Despite everything, he was feeling better.

“So how’re you holding up?” Matt asked with a grin.

“I’m feeling a little dizzy, but…you did good work,” Steven said, feeling a flush of embarrassment. “I think I needed that more than I expected.”

“Well, Steven, I can set up a longer appointment for you if you want. We wanna stagger these out, so your body has time to get into a flow of things. How’s an hour next month sound.”

Greg looked at Steven so hopefully that the boy felt a moment where his words caught in his throat. It hadn’t occurred to him until he made eye contact with his father how important this recovery process was. Massage was only one step in a long list of things that he needed to do if he wanted to feel better.

He had to want it. Steven’s face turned away from the two men for just a second as he realized what he needed to do. It was easy, in the moments of recovery, to lose himself in the time and to let things slip away as someone else worked on him. The decision to come here and the decision to get on the table was his and his alone. He could easily have sat in the van and listened to talk radio while his father was inside, but he didn’t. Steven wondered why, considering how vehemently he had wanted to stay away before, how harshly he had criticized the practice when they were driving over. There had been two attacks of pinkness over the course of this little event and he still wanted to come back, and Steven had to ask himself why.

It was because things were going to get better. The hardest parts were yet to come. Working on the stressors of his body was one thing, but working on the stressors of his mind were another. Matt had mentioned someone to talk to. Steven knew he could talk to Greg, but he watched the man’s anxious face and he knew he couldn’t dump everything on him. It wasn’t fair to expect that. Greg cared so much about his child that it hurt. In order to make things better, Steven had to show him that he could be better, that he could recover. The future meant talking to the Gems, and to Connie, and it meant starting to open up like his muscles. The knots needed to be untied and the future had to start somewhere. But it didn’t have to start until he was ready.

Steven stretched his hand out, and Matt shook it with a knowing smile.

“Next month,” Steven said.

He could already see the open block in his phone’s schedule. Everything else could go around that, like a tendon being worked by a caring, knowing hand.

**Author's Note:**

> This story ended up being longer than I had anticipated, but it's based off of real-world experience and coping theory. Take care of your body as well as your soul. Talk to people you trust. More people want to listen than you think, especially people with similar lived experience. You are loved <3


End file.
